The Ebb and Flow of a Life Ruled By "Me"

This is going to seem like an attack, but bear with me, it is not intended as such. This post is not focused on anyone in particular yet it applies to everyone. If you hear anything of value from me, let it be the contents of this post. If you would rather go on your merry way, the internet is full of other sites to pass the time. But the topic for this entry may shed some light on a life lived with the individual at the center, rather than the One who is supposed to be.

Pride is a deceptive calling, for pride is self-centered. When one has pride in their job, the focus is on the individual's accomplishments. When one has pride in helping others, the focus is still on the individual because even though the individual is trying to portray a self-less image, that individual is getting something out of the deal. It could be something along the lines of a happy inward feeling, but the motive is still the same. When I do something for someone else, expecting to get something in return, it is pride and selfishness that spurs me towards completing the task at hand. Let me try to drive this point home before getting to the bigger picture.

I was recently labeled with being selfish. And when I was given this label, it cut straight to the core. Because I tossed and turned over this audacious statement for weeks. I churned in my head and counted the ways in which the person who said this about me had no right to even utter those words to me. I was furious. I rattled off in my head and to others how I had gone out of my way to be as unselfish as I could to make life easier for those around me. All the tasks I had completed to aid those in need, the manual labor I had undertaken, areas where I had gone out of my way to show my appreciation for services rendered to me, and someone has the audacity to say I am selfish?! Needless to say numerous expletives came to mind over the course of this one-sided conversation. It was only by the grace of God that I didn't blow up and start kicking ass and then taking names. And oh how I wanted revenge! To list the number of ways that I had gone above and beyond the call of duty, but what good would it do. The messenger was right, in a way.

A point was proven. I was and am to this day, selfish. And that needs to change. Whenever I do something for someone else and I create an internal check-list of all the wonderful things I do to make life easier for others so I can use it against them later on or to prove that I am the next best thing since sliced bread, I am being prideful. Whenever I want others to see me and acknowledge me for all that I do, that is pride. And whenever I do things for others and feel that I have to justify myself by listing all the things I have done, that is the epitome of a life lived for self.

What is the opposite of a life lived with "me" as the focal point? One word: JESUS. Whenever Jesus did something for someone else, He did it for His Father. His focus was always on the greater good. To bring balance back into the world. Jesus was not self-centered. He was God-centered, Father-centered if you will. He derived joy from watching and doing what His heavenly father did. He never kept a list of all that He had done because His motives were pure and His character was self-less. He walked with authority in this life because He knew what had to be done and He knew where true satisfaction laid. Yes, He had to endure hardship from others constantly questioning His character and his actions. To this day people still question and berate Him. But there was no pride in Him. His good deeds were done out of love for others, not looking good in others' eyes.

I have a long way to go in order to even remotely achieve this type of living. But the alternative is eternal torment, and it doesn't start after death. Have you ever met someone who is tormented? I am not talking about someone that is demon possessed, but someone who lives life to please others and doesn't trust God even a little. There are so many teachings out there about how people need to focus on their center to find peace and how we are the instruments to finding true happiness. Seriously, are you kidding me? "Put your hands out to your side and quiet your brain. Release all thoughts of self-doubt and turmoil." "Do some funky body movements and you will experience release." Yeah, right. My idea of body release can clear a room. Trust me, I know. One fart out of me can strip the paint off the walls.

There is also the teaching that says by helping others we can find release because the focus is the needs of others rather than ourselves. Let me tell ya, you can be the most giving of people and meet all the needs you want but you will never find peace that way because there are always going to be orphans and needy people. And you can be a world peace operative and have lots of fancy titles next to your name and have people blowing sunshine up your ass constantly about all your good deeds, but you will never be satisfied. I say this because I have lived a life of trying to please others and it never fails, I always got worn out and discouraged because nothing I did was ever good enough. The reason is because my motives were impure.

When Jesus is at the center of one's life, everything else fades away. We wake up and see the world for what it really is, a fallen and cursed place where people blame each other for the hardships and trials that we face. Or worse, they blame God for all the disasters that are going on in the world at large. Never once do we take responsibility for ourselves and what we bring to this world. You want some hard truth? The best thing God ever gave us outside of His Son was free will. He won't live your life for you, won't make choices for you, in fact He will love you all the way to Hell. But it is not until we decide to say, "God, I am a sinner and I repent," that things will start to change. It is then that we can tap into that endless well of love and have Him join us in this journey of life and be presented with numerous options that will not only please Him but enable us to live a life worth living.

I have seen people where God is not a part of their life. They are miserable and don't know why. They may have the greatest of morals and intentions but here's the truth about good intentions: The road to Hell is paved with good intentions. But the road to Heaven is paved with humility. Hell starts here on earth. When we make ourselves the center of our world, we have already pushed God out and made our own graves. And the Lord Jesus is a true gentleman, He will not override the gift of free will that He has bestowed upon us.

And this will really put a bee in your bonnet, there is only one way to the Lord, and that is by accepting Jesus Christ as your one true love. There is only ONE WAY to the Father, but here's the thing, He makes it so easy. When I accepted Jesus into my life the whole world changed as did my perspective. I still suffer, I still make some of the same mistakes, but the difference is that I am more repentant and willing to own up to my mistakes and take responsibility. And to top it all off, I have a reason for my existence and a love that never fails.

Some of you may know the ins and outs of your Bibles. Some may even know how to use the Bible to argue why certain things don't apply today or to justify your sinfulness. And some of you may even tell yourselves that the Bible condones this or that and have convinced yourselves that if one part of the Bible seems to be a lie then it all must be a lie. I have heard it all but allow me to offer you a prayer that God will always answer. I will even do ya one better, I will give you several that He answers more often than not, quite immediately.

1. Lord reveal Yourself to me, show me that You exist.
2. Lord, please grant me discernment (the ability to see) as I read the Bible, or as people or ideas come across me. Show me what is from You and what is a lie.

(now the most dangerous prayers to pray, pray these at your own risk.)

3. Lord, teach me patience.
4. Lord, break me of my pride.

Don't say I didn't warn you. But allow me to touch on number 2. The Lord is faithful and just. He delights in revealing His word and His self to His creations. Discernment is key when dismantling a lie. You need to ask for discernment and you need to have faith in the outcome. I prayed for it and got it. Whenever I am presented with something that is spiritual, let's say it is someone using the Bible to justify a questionable act in their life, more often than not I can tell if it is a lie or not. The Holy Spirit will reveal the truth and will always bring light into the darkness.

Earth is a training ground for eternity. How you fare here will determine your place in eternity. If I live a life where I push God out of the driver's seat and take the reigns myself, Hell has a foothold in my existence. But if I truly confess Jesus as my savior and repent and allow Him reign in my being, then I am at heaven's door. Let me reiterate that this by no means makes life easier!! For surely it does not. But I guarantee that His yoke is easy and light, which means that He is there every single step of the way. He will present you with the best paths to take and the choices that will yield optimum satisfaction and grace. And here is some further knowledge, when we allow Him to orchestrate our lives and fill us by reading the Word and spending time with Him, He will fill our cups to overflowing. And it is through the overflow that others are blessed and pride is broken. Because it no longer becomes an issue of doing good deeds to please ourselves and to put checks on our checklists. It becomes an act of self-less service and love and that is when we know we are free from doing acts to earn a place in God's kingdom. Because He extended a free gift to all when He sent His son to die on a cross for our sins. Once you accept that, and I mean truly accept that, then life changes.

You don't just accept it and then go on your merry way with your "fire insurance." No way! It means you spend time getting to know Him and allow Him to move through you. You can still turn your back on God, and He will love you all the way to Hell. And that means He will never stop loving you. But, like any relationship, you have to keep at it. I say this because I have been there. I turn my back on God from time to time but He keeps pulling me back towards Him. And I am so grateful and humbled by His love in this regard.

The ebb and flow of a life ruled by "me" is one of constant turmoil,
But the ebb and flow of a life ruled be "He" is one of constant joy.

 

A Multitude of Musings

I have just a few days left till I am officially in the Army. Well scratch that, I am technically a member of the US Army but I have been on delayed departure due to my Basic Training not beginning till August 1st. This has been an incredible process and quite the journey, to be sure.

I have learned a lot along the way. And I could go into detail about some of the more insidious things that I have been educated on, but this is not the place for dirty little secrets. Instead I would like to focus on the fruit that the Lord has been patiently dealing with in my spirit. Unfortunately, as of this writing I have yet to manifest what could be deemed as sweet-tasting fruit. They are still a bit bitter and need to stay on the vine a while longer.

For those of you who may be a little confused, the Lord wants His people to bear fruit. These being the fruit of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, and faithfulness. I believe self-control falls in there somewhere and naturally, we (meaning me, myself, and I) are still working on that one.

I was going to say that patience is one that I will never acquire but the more I think about it, the more I have been seeing patience developing within my character. Not to toot my own horn, but I have been semi-patient throughout this entire process. The road to the military has been a path fraught with lessons in patience. There have been some let-downs along the way but in the end, the Lord has been faithful in dealing with me and my flaws. As many in my family will attest to, I have some rather irritating character defects. But I am pretty sure the majority of them will be ironed out in the Army. But I dare say there is no cure for orneriness. Being ornery goes to the core.

Back to the topic at hand. I came back to the US last August. I have been living with family since then, both in Illinois and here in Florida, where I enlisted in the Army. Originally I had tried to enter as an officer but that fell through in April. I will admit I was a bit devastated but God had other things in mind. And it was during this time He taught me a big lesson on trust. I actually heard an audible voice, a whisper if you will, right to my heart. NOT from my heart, because the heart itself is deceitful, but TO my heart. "You don't trust me, Jason, and you need to." That was the simplified version of the monologue. One of the few times I actually shut up long enough for the Lord to speak to me. He also insisted that I keep my mouth shut over the course of the next couple of days and let those around me do the speaking. So what does one do when the Lord tells one to keep a lid on it?

I kept a lid on it. So far so good. I am slowly trusting the Lord more and more. I will say that I am going about it at a snail's pace. I am a slow learner. And there have been a multitude of mistakes made along the way, since April in fact. I figure that once God gets my personal life in order, when I actually sign over my lease on my life, I will be in a lot better shape. Cause the world goes to pot when Jason is in control. That is another blog topic in and of itself. When God is in control vs. when Jason is in control.

When I did keep my mouth shut, the Lord orchestrated His desired plan and now I am going in the military as an enlisted soldier. I still want to be an officer someday but I guess I have to go about it in another way. God's plans are difficult sometimes, but true fulfillment and peace are the outcome whenever I do it His way.

Let me reiterate that I am a SLOW learner. I have a lot of growing to do. And God has a great deal of work left to do in my life so that I am able to grow the fruit that will be pleasing to Him as an offering. 9 times out of 10 I do the wrong thing and let my mouth and heart get the best of me. But God is faithful with that 1 time where I do the right thing and He has infinite patience. Lord knows I have tested that patience time and time again. I should have been struck down by holy lightning years ago. But His love is vast and all encompassing. I sure don't deserve it and neither do you. But He dishes out His love for all and there is so much truth behind this last statement," Ain't no one can do ya like the Lord can."
 

Mr. Fix-It

I am the type of person that when I see a problem, I always want to fix it. It could be that whole male-chromosome but it could also have something to do with my personality. The problems that I really hate are those that I can't fix. And the worst subsection of this category of problems are PEOPLE.

"The only person you can change is yourself." Truer words were never spoken. This quote causes one to take a different approach to handling life's difficulties. It requires us to look at a problem from a different angle. To take an outside view of the situation to have a better handle on it. And through experience I have come to realize that there are people in the world that I just can't fix, no matter how much I want to.

My aunt tells me I have too much time on my hands and I need an occasion to rise to. And since my brain has a lack of things to focus on, I tend to dwell on those issues around me that stand out the most. Unfortunately for me, I have narrowed my vision towards an impossible endeavor. So rather than focus on my own faults, I have decided to take on the immediate world's plethora of impossible tasks. So my grandmother's little saying comes into play, "The faults in others I can see, Praise the Lord there's none in me!"

Well I do have my faults. When I see a problem that I want to tackle, I am like a junkyard dog. I gnaw and bite at that bone till I break it in half. But when that bone is made of stainless steel, there comes a time when I gotta let go. To use another metaphor, it's like pissin against the wind, yer gonna get wet and messy.

I am trying to think of someone in the Bible that was bull-headed like me. Someone who was out to change the world but just couldn't quite get across his/her message. And while it is different from my current predicament, I would say that nearly every disciple/missionary in the Bible fits the bill. But the advice that was given to them on how to handle the roadblocks was thus, "dust off your sandals and move along." There will be problems that we face that we can't solve. There will be people placed in our lives that no matter how much we want to change them, they just won't budge. And it is how we handle these people or situations that will make all the difference in the world.

Will we get discouraged and mad and keep butting our head up against the stone wall, or will we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and move on? The choice is ultimately up to us because truly, "the only person you can change is yourself." Learn from your mistakes, love the people that cause you the most headaches, and when it gets really tough; drink a jigger of tequila. And above all, PRAY!!

I keep telling my aunt, if Jesus was Mexican He would have changed water into tequila. Seriously though, God allows us to face problems that we can't face without Him. We learn from these situations, not necessarily from the solving of these dilemmas but how we handle the outcome. And sometimes the whole point of the obstacle was to develop character. So I can honestly say that through failure and obstruction I have become a better person and gained extremely valuable life experience. This experience will enable me to face tougher instances and come out a lot better on the other side.

We are supposed to praise God in times of difficulty. So I invite you the next time you face a problem to raise your glass and Praise the Lord. And if you happen to be a Southern Baptist, just go ahead and put some Coke Zero in your wine glass. Love ya.

 

"As a Dog Returns to Its Vomit,...

so fools repeat their folly." -Proverbs 26:11-

This verse stood out to me yesterday as I was driving home. It just sort of popped into my head and I think the Lord is trying to tell me something. So many times I find myself being complacent and lazy, especially when it comes to matters of the spirit. One cannot give of themselves unless their cup is overflowing. It is from the overflow that we are able to give to others. My cup may have a few drops in it.

I recently read a blog from a dear friend of mine. She spoke of the persecuted church and how they are ready, in fact they expect, to forfeit their lives for the gospel. Not only are these people ready and willing to give up their lives, they keep their cups filled in abundance. They realize that their very life depends on God, not only for spiritual nourishment but physical as well.

Why don't these phrases of truth impact me? Why am I not motivated by these realities to change my own present? Do I limit God's work in my life due to my stubbornness and refusal to obey His words and creeds? Yes, I do. And it is caused by complacency and outright disobedience.

This past Sunday I was in Sunday School and our class discussed a little about repentance. To repent means to ask for forgiveness and NOT continue to sin. And yet just like a dog I return to my vomit and thus get caught back up in the cycle of sin that I "allow" to have a foundation in my life. I use the word "allow" to convey that I have a choice in the matter. As a follower and believer of Christ Jesus, I have certain responsibilities to uphold. Any time that I shirk my duties in any area of my life, I am making a conscience choice to live in rebellion in accordance to His wishes for my well-being. And by not making a choice, I have made the choice to neglect my responsibility for whatever action I have bequeathed.

Examples of neglecting my responsibility include (but are not limited to) the following:
1. I choose to not read my Bible
2. I choose to not pray or spend any time talking to God
3. I choose to indulge in sin, rather than turn away from it.

And you want to know a big consequence of not doing any of these three things? I get fat. That's right, I gain weight and don't take care of my temple. So you want to know a secret to weight loss, read your Bible and pray. Because I will then understand how much God loves me and how He wants me to further His kingdom. I can't do that if I am out of breath and easily worn out due to my lack of caring for the body He has given me.

There are other consequences besides this one. When sin is not dealt with it can cause havoc in other areas such as being complacent with my duties and responsibilities. I have also noticed that I become easily emotion-driven rather than spirit-driven. I have experienced first hand what it means to see someone's life that is driven by pure emotion. I did it for a spell and I was a hot mess. Because this not only affects me, it affects the other people that are around me. So if there is anything that I can get across with this blog let it be this: Do not be emotion-driven and do not be like the dog that returns to its own vomit. No one likes a stinky/rabid dog.

To my readers, I am sorry I have not written this month. I apologize profusely. Be blessed this week. 

Conflicting Diversions and Other Sacred Redundencies

I wonder if anyone else has been in the situation I find myself in on frequent occasions. That position being one of feeling torn. You want to go one way, but God has other ideas in mind. You think you have it all figured out and then you find out, you really don't have a clue. I wrote about it in the last blog, the one about the brakes going out in my car. Yeah, that was fun. But I am left wondering, when does God actually get really involved and when does He just let us go our own way for a while? I thought about this question last night and this morning and I suppose it all has to do with His timing.

When I went to Korea I went with the intention of staying three, maybe four years. I ended up living there for seven years. During that time I got to re-learn the idea of forgiveness and I got to kiss some proverbial asphalt as I hit rock bottom a couple of times. I do not relish the taste of asphalt, it can leave your teeth quite black and the taste is a bitch to get rid of. But God has a reason for everything, doesn't He.

I was in Korea for so long because I needed to learn what life was like living on one's own. I needed to learn responsibility and the reason behind God giving humans independent thought. I was living the life of a stupid sheep (insert 'redundant' definition here: stupid = sheep, they are mindless animals so there really is no need to mention the word "stupid" when describing a sheep. It's already implied.). The other thing to know about sheep is that they taste pretty good. Satan loves to eat sheep. If he can get us away from the flock, it's lamb-chops and mutton soup for dinner. But what if the sheep decides to grow into a ram? I think that is what I decided to do, or at least had to do in order to learn.

Let's go back a little ways to when I was in university. I became a Christian right before I started university, just after community college. I blame my sister for this. She drug me to this church in Virginia and then the next thing I know I am in a Pizza Hut giving my life to Christ. I could never go back to that Pizza Hut again after that because I knew I would probably start bawling and nobody likes wet pizza. But things did not go smoothly after I changed into a Christian. The pros were that not even being a year old I got to go on a missions' trip to Japan for a summer. I made a lot of new friends and got my fire insurance to boot. Seriously though, the cons of my decision could technically be viewed as pros, considering the long term effects of my decision to turn my life around. When one becomes a Christian, you basically give God the right to do open heart surgery...without the anesthesia. So you are not asleep and it hurts like a son-of-a...

Case in point: let's go back to the sheep metaphor. I followed the crowd. I thought that being a Christian meant you have to do what all the other Jesus freaks did. You modeled your life after theirs and became a cookie-cutter version of the Sunday morning social club. I was miserable. I would have my ups and downs and week after week I had this twist of knots in my stomach because I couldn't live up to the expectations that I thought were thrust upon me by those in my circle. Yes, my brothers and sisters in Christ protected me but that made me stunt my own growth. I would run in circles trying to be just like them but something was missing entirely from my core. It wasn't my relationship anymore, it was theirs. I wasn't unique, I was trying to be a copycat. I wanted their peace, I wanted their light, not taking into account how they got to where they were.

And this mindset, this emptiness, these stinking knots, I brought them with me to Korea. I remember when I first arrived in Korea. I woke up every morning doing a "quiet-time" with God. I would read my Bible, I found a church the first weekend, and I discovered Pandora's box. Wait a minute!! Back up the truck!! What was I thinking opening that box?! (Another side note: we all have a 'Pandora's box' in our lives. It's that area where we know we shouldn't go but curiosity gets the better of us and we go there anyway. And when people tell you not to open that box, it is better to listen to them and save yourself the torment of regret that is bound to come from opening it.) I got more than I bargained for and the asphalt that I was tasting from my time in college came back in my mouth during my years in Korea.

I found a new group of people to model my life after when I came to Seoul. And the cycle kept going until I realized something was still not right. I was still not unique and I was still a wannabe. So what was the defining moment? What made me change? Well, It was a gradual process. I literally hated myself and like always, I lashed out at others for trying to change me even though I wanted to change. But through it all, God was gentle. A little peace here, a lotta grace there... A whole lot more grace... Okay, a helluva lot MORE grace there. And it all boiled down to Him. The whispers and out-right spiritual two-by-fours all came in conjunction to what God was trying to tell me from the get-go. "I want you, only you. I want your individuality. I want your mess, I want your life. I am not happy you opened the box I told you not to open, but I can take that and work it to My design and desire for your life. I won't take away the consequences that you merited for opening the box, but I will help you through them."

So here I stand today. I am unique, I am a stand alone individual with unlimited potential. All the asphalt eating served a purpose. It was paved on the road that I had to travel down in order to get to where I am today. Living according to the expectations of others only drives us farther away from God's intended purpose for our lives. God sent quite a few individuals in my life to try and teach me this lesson, and believe it or not I was listening, I just wasn't putting it into practice.

Sometimes we have to take the long road to get to where we are going. And while God may not have liked for us to go the long way around, He does use it to fulfill His ultimate plan for having us in His life. We develop character along the way, and we have some nice battle scars to tell tales at the bars on occasion. But the bottom line is we each have an individual story to tell because we all have a different role to play in the grand scheme of God's plan.

I left some holes in my blog today on purpose. The details on my 'Pandora's box' are personal and are reserved for face to face meetings. And the lessons I learned on forgiveness are going to be left for another blog at an as yet unspecified date. In the meantime, I will let your minds wander to the most gruesome and dastardly assumptions imaginable as to what my "box's" contents entailed. It's probably not as bad as you think, or it could be worse if you live under a rock. But I will leave you with this snippet:

Once upon a time there was a little girl who was very sad. She was so overtaken by grief that she nearly drowned in a river. When all of a sudden a handsome man came out of nowhere and rescued the girl. The dashing prince wiped the eyes of the little girl and placed a ring upon her finger telling her that, "one day this ring will lead you to me." So overcome by the gorgeous young man the little girl vowed to become a prince herself one day, as she no longer wanted to be the damsel in distress...     

"Quiet tension is not trust...

...but simply compressed anxiety."

This quote jumped out at me today from Streams in the Dessert. The preceding sentences are just as memorable, "There is a perfect passivity that is not laziness. It is a living stillness born of trust."

I am not a quiet person. I suppose I can be when needed. But to be truly quiet and at rest in the soul, that is a near impossible act. However, it is one that must be practiced in order for change to occur. The old saying, "you will have to drag me kicking and screaming...," in order for me to do such and such, plays its part in my life from time to time. I just wonder if all the fuss is worth it in the end. I am almost sure there is a hard way and an easy way to accomplish things in all manners of life. And while looking for the easy way I almost always tend to lean towards the more difficult of the two. Especially in matters of the heart and spirit.

Take for instance this week's life lesson and how God used it, and is still trying to use it, for His ultimate good. This past Sunday I was going somewhere I probably shouldn't have been going. A place where my heart and spirit would more than likely end up regretting the intended purpose of my rebelliousness. What do you suppose happened not more than a couple miles from my starting point? That's right, you guessed it. My car's brakes go out. So there I am, on the interstate highway in the left lane no less, and my brake lines in the rear of my vehicle decide its the best place to fizzle out. So I work my way over to the right lane to get off at the next exit. I am doing my best to stay at a decent space behind any vehicles in front of me so as not to hit them. I eventually get back to my point of departure and have to take the car to the mechanic's in the morning.

Now what do you think was my first thought as I am trying to get back and then again when I walk in the door? That obviously God Himself did not want me to go to wherever it was that I was going. And He was willing to do whatever it took to get me from achieving my desired deed. For the naysayers out there, I am sure the brakes might have gone out eventually, and it just happened to be a coincidence that they went out on this particular endeavor of mine. You, dear naysayer, would be wrong because you are stupid. Those brakes could have gone out when I was much farther from home. They could have bit the dust when I would be potentially on my way across the country in unfamiliar territory, say downtown Atlanta or Chattanooga. Or worse yet, when someone besides myself was in the car driving. 

I want to touch on a few things before going any further. Stupidity is doing something you know you shouldn't where as ignorance is not knowing at all that what you are doing is foolish. And coincidences don't happen in this life. All things happen with and for a purpose. We may not see that purpose at the time, but eventually all will be revealed.

With my car in the shop this week I have been pretty much left to accomplish most of my tasks from my aunt's home. But I still feel that I have not made the best of my time. Yes, I have looked for jobs and yes, I have worked out, but what of eternal value have I accomplished? Have I thought of others before myself? Have I tended to my Master's sheep? Have I filled my own cup so that through the overflow I can aid in the advancement of others and the kingdom itself? Sad to say, the answers to that are no, no, and no.

Which brings me back to today's lesson and these words:
     "O rest, in utter quietude of soul,
Abandon words, leave prayer and praise awhile;
      Let your whole being, hushed in His control,
Learn the full meaning of His voice and smile.


     Not as an athlete wrestling for a crown,
Not taking Heaven by violence of will;
     But with your Father as a child sit down,
And know the bliss that follows His 'Be Still!!'" excerpt from Mary Rowles Jarvis

Though I have been racked with anxiety in my present condition, I am as yet being told to, "Be still, and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10). Drowning out the voices of the mind and one's surroundings can prove quite the daunting task. And yet that is what I am required to do. I am frustrated with my situation and it causes me to become easily irked with the people whose intentions are to help me out. A darkness looms within me that only God's piercing light can penetrate. So rather than take the hard way out, I think that today I would like to listen to the "still small voice" (1 Kings 19:12) and wait upon the Lord. It is not going to be easy, but it beats the alternative. The alternative would be to do it my way and man's way and end up worse off than when I started.

As for the lesson learned in the story of the brakes, it was God trying to protect my heart from more heartache and suffering. God truly does have our best interest at heart. When you are suffering and nothing seems to be going right, take the opportunity to stop what you are doing and focus on God. It may be a difficult trial, but do your best to quiet your soul and know that God is right there in the midst of your chaos and working things in accordance to His divine timing to not only bring you out of it, but to make you stronger and more dependent on Him.

I want to pray today. I want to ask that God meets me where I am and to meet those that are also suffering. May His Holy Spirit comfort you and guide you on this journey. May His light shine through the stupidity that I know I get myself into from time to time. But I ask that we allow His wisdom to come in and truly set us free. Amen. Be blessed today and know that you are a work of art.

The Fool and The Victor

In light of today's date, I thought the title seemed appropriate. I find it rather comforting that each day I open up my daily devotional, "Streams in the Dessert," it always applies to whatever I am going through. And today's message was no different. I have been struggling with wondering what I should be doing next. I currently have a goal in mind and am doing my best to work towards it. I tend to have a one-track mind and when I get focused on something, I push other things aside, no matter how important they may be.

I asked God the other day what I should be doing. "What must I 'do,' Lord, what must I 'do!'" His response to my heart, and much to my frustration, was to, "be still and know I am God." Over and over again, be still, be still, be still...

And the devotional today was more of the same. The streams for today spoke of a ship in a storm. And here is an excerpt:
     "Sometimes, like Paul, you cannot see the sun or the stars to help you navigate when the storm is bearing down on you. This is when you can do only one thing, for there is only one way. Reason cannot help you, past experiences will shed no light, and even prayer will bring no consolation. Only one course remains: you must put your soul in one position and keep it there.
     You must anchor yourself steadfastly upon the Lord. And then, come what may-whether wind, waves, rough seas, thunder, lightning, jagged rocks, or roaring breakers-you must lash yourself to the helm, firmly holding your confidence in God's faithfulness, His covenant promises, and His everlasting love in Christ Jesus."  Richard Fuller

I am struggling right now and I know there are others who are in the same situation, or maybe even worse. I try to find reason during these times and there aren't any. Like the passage said, I try to rely on past experiences but come up short. I want to be somewhere else, doing what it is I am supposed to be doing. But here's the kicker, I am where I am supposed to be right now, here in this moment. Am I doing all that I can? Some people would beg to differ, but the truth of the matter is the answers are all the same. "Be still." But I hate being still. "Wait on the Lord." But I hate waiting.

By not waiting, I play the Fool. Pushing and pushing, complaining and dealing with frustration. Constantly moving and beating my head up against the wall, when really what I should be "doing" is waiting with faithful and hopeful expectation that God will indeed come through for me. Faith is believing in the fulfillment of God's promises, no matter how long it may seem to take. Faith is knowing that just because I don't see God or feel God, He is still right next to me orchestrating His grand scheme in my favor, but ultimately in His favor.

Faith is also this, and I truly believe this. I am able to wake up everyday and take in air. The air I breathe, the air you breathe-it is literally, figuratively, metaphorically, but above all, realistically- the Breath of God. There is only ONE reason I or anyone else is alive today. That is this, God has a purpose for your life. He has a purpose for my life. I can choose to believe that there is no God, that the Bible is a useless book of outdated rules and lies, and go on living life in what I would eventually create as my own personal Hell. Which that is a facet of Hell I might add, separation from God. Or, I can stand on the promises that the Bible speaks of. I can reflect on the "hell" that God has brought me out of, and I can cling to the truth that is reality and undisputed. God is real, He sent His Son to die on a cross for my sins. He came to change me from a Fool to a Victor. And all that He asks, so insignificant if I think about it, is to flipping WAIT and BE STILL.

One of the many blessings that God has granted me is the ability to choose. And recently I have chosen to not wait and not still my heart. The fruit/consequence of that choice is frustration and doubt. But what if I decide to wait? Will God come through for me? That's where faith comes in. Give the Lord an inch and He takes you on the journey of a lifetime.

I have come a long way in my journey. I have met some really wonderful people. I have been in worse situations than the one I am currently in. But in spite of all the hardships and victories, God has been the pillar that has kept me supported through it all. The dark times of my soul where I have lashed out at Him, cursed at Him, berated Him for not seemingly coming through for me, He took it all in. Why, because He is big enough to handle it. So is it too much to ask for me to wait on Him and be still when He has already done so much for me?

I would say that it is time to stop playing the Fool and start being the Victor.