I wonder if anyone else has been in the situation I find myself in on frequent occasions. That position being one of feeling torn. You want to go one way, but God has other ideas in mind. You think you have it all figured out and then you find out, you really don't have a clue. I wrote about it in the last blog, the one about the brakes going out in my car. Yeah, that was fun. But I am left wondering, when does God actually get really involved and when does He just let us go our own way for a while? I thought about this question last night and this morning and I suppose it all has to do with His timing.
When I went to Korea I went with the intention of staying three, maybe four years. I ended up living there for seven years. During that time I got to re-learn the idea of forgiveness and I got to kiss some proverbial asphalt as I hit rock bottom a couple of times. I do not relish the taste of asphalt, it can leave your teeth quite black and the taste is a bitch to get rid of. But God has a reason for everything, doesn't He.
I was in Korea for so long because I needed to learn what life was like living on one's own. I needed to learn responsibility and the reason behind God giving humans independent thought. I was living the life of a stupid sheep (insert 'redundant' definition here: stupid = sheep, they are mindless animals so there really is no need to mention the word "stupid" when describing a sheep. It's already implied.). The other thing to know about sheep is that they taste pretty good. Satan loves to eat sheep. If he can get us away from the flock, it's lamb-chops and mutton soup for dinner. But what if the sheep decides to grow into a ram? I think that is what I decided to do, or at least had to do in order to learn.
Let's go back a little ways to when I was in university. I became a Christian right before I started university, just after community college. I blame my sister for this. She drug me to this church in Virginia and then the next thing I know I am in a Pizza Hut giving my life to Christ. I could never go back to that Pizza Hut again after that because I knew I would probably start bawling and nobody likes wet pizza. But things did not go smoothly after I changed into a Christian. The pros were that not even being a year old I got to go on a missions' trip to Japan for a summer. I made a lot of new friends and got my fire insurance to boot. Seriously though, the cons of my decision could technically be viewed as pros, considering the long term effects of my decision to turn my life around. When one becomes a Christian, you basically give God the right to do open heart surgery...without the anesthesia. So you are not asleep and it hurts like a son-of-a...
Case in point: let's go back to the sheep metaphor. I followed the crowd. I thought that being a Christian meant you have to do what all the other Jesus freaks did. You modeled your life after theirs and became a cookie-cutter version of the Sunday morning social club. I was miserable. I would have my ups and downs and week after week I had this twist of knots in my stomach because I couldn't live up to the expectations that I thought were thrust upon me by those in my circle. Yes, my brothers and sisters in Christ protected me but that made me stunt my own growth. I would run in circles trying to be just like them but something was missing entirely from my core. It wasn't my relationship anymore, it was theirs. I wasn't unique, I was trying to be a copycat. I wanted their peace, I wanted their light, not taking into account how they got to where they were.
And this mindset, this emptiness, these stinking knots, I brought them with me to Korea. I remember when I first arrived in Korea. I woke up every morning doing a "quiet-time" with God. I would read my Bible, I found a church the first weekend, and I discovered Pandora's box. Wait a minute!! Back up the truck!! What was I thinking opening that box?! (Another side note: we all have a 'Pandora's box' in our lives. It's that area where we know we shouldn't go but curiosity gets the better of us and we go there anyway. And when people tell you not to open that box, it is better to listen to them and save yourself the torment of regret that is bound to come from opening it.) I got more than I bargained for and the asphalt that I was tasting from my time in college came back in my mouth during my years in Korea.
I found a new group of people to model my life after when I came to Seoul. And the cycle kept going until I realized something was still not right. I was still not unique and I was still a wannabe. So what was the defining moment? What made me change? Well, It was a gradual process. I literally hated myself and like always, I lashed out at others for trying to change me even though I wanted to change. But through it all, God was gentle. A little peace here, a lotta grace there... A whole lot more grace... Okay, a helluva lot MORE grace there. And it all boiled down to Him. The whispers and out-right spiritual two-by-fours all came in conjunction to what God was trying to tell me from the get-go. "I want you, only you. I want your individuality. I want your mess, I want your life. I am not happy you opened the box I told you not to open, but I can take that and work it to My design and desire for your life. I won't take away the consequences that you merited for opening the box, but I will help you through them."
So here I stand today. I am unique, I am a stand alone individual with unlimited potential. All the asphalt eating served a purpose. It was paved on the road that I had to travel down in order to get to where I am today. Living according to the expectations of others only drives us farther away from God's intended purpose for our lives. God sent quite a few individuals in my life to try and teach me this lesson, and believe it or not I was listening, I just wasn't putting it into practice.
Sometimes we have to take the long road to get to where we are going. And while God may not have liked for us to go the long way around, He does use it to fulfill His ultimate plan for having us in His life. We develop character along the way, and we have some nice battle scars to tell tales at the bars on occasion. But the bottom line is we each have an individual story to tell because we all have a different role to play in the grand scheme of God's plan.
I left some holes in my blog today on purpose. The details on my 'Pandora's box' are personal and are reserved for face to face meetings. And the lessons I learned on forgiveness are going to be left for another blog at an as yet unspecified date. In the meantime, I will let your minds wander to the most gruesome and dastardly assumptions imaginable as to what my "box's" contents entailed. It's probably not as bad as you think, or it could be worse if you live under a rock. But I will leave you with this snippet:
Once upon a time there was a little girl who was very sad. She was so overtaken by grief that she nearly drowned in a river. When all of a sudden a handsome man came out of nowhere and rescued the girl. The dashing prince wiped the eyes of the little girl and placed a ring upon her finger telling her that, "one day this ring will lead you to me." So overcome by the gorgeous young man the little girl vowed to become a prince herself one day, as she no longer wanted to be the damsel in distress...
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Thursday, April 7, 2011
"Quiet tension is not trust...
...but simply compressed anxiety."
This quote jumped out at me today from Streams in the Dessert. The preceding sentences are just as memorable, "There is a perfect passivity that is not laziness. It is a living stillness born of trust."
I am not a quiet person. I suppose I can be when needed. But to be truly quiet and at rest in the soul, that is a near impossible act. However, it is one that must be practiced in order for change to occur. The old saying, "you will have to drag me kicking and screaming...," in order for me to do such and such, plays its part in my life from time to time. I just wonder if all the fuss is worth it in the end. I am almost sure there is a hard way and an easy way to accomplish things in all manners of life. And while looking for the easy way I almost always tend to lean towards the more difficult of the two. Especially in matters of the heart and spirit.
Take for instance this week's life lesson and how God used it, and is still trying to use it, for His ultimate good. This past Sunday I was going somewhere I probably shouldn't have been going. A place where my heart and spirit would more than likely end up regretting the intended purpose of my rebelliousness. What do you suppose happened not more than a couple miles from my starting point? That's right, you guessed it. My car's brakes go out. So there I am, on the interstate highway in the left lane no less, and my brake lines in the rear of my vehicle decide its the best place to fizzle out. So I work my way over to the right lane to get off at the next exit. I am doing my best to stay at a decent space behind any vehicles in front of me so as not to hit them. I eventually get back to my point of departure and have to take the car to the mechanic's in the morning.
Now what do you think was my first thought as I am trying to get back and then again when I walk in the door? That obviously God Himself did not want me to go to wherever it was that I was going. And He was willing to do whatever it took to get me from achieving my desired deed. For the naysayers out there, I am sure the brakes might have gone out eventually, and it just happened to be a coincidence that they went out on this particular endeavor of mine. You, dear naysayer, would be wrong because you are stupid. Those brakes could have gone out when I was much farther from home. They could have bit the dust when I would be potentially on my way across the country in unfamiliar territory, say downtown Atlanta or Chattanooga. Or worse yet, when someone besides myself was in the car driving.
I want to touch on a few things before going any further. Stupidity is doing something you know you shouldn't where as ignorance is not knowing at all that what you are doing is foolish. And coincidences don't happen in this life. All things happen with and for a purpose. We may not see that purpose at the time, but eventually all will be revealed.
With my car in the shop this week I have been pretty much left to accomplish most of my tasks from my aunt's home. But I still feel that I have not made the best of my time. Yes, I have looked for jobs and yes, I have worked out, but what of eternal value have I accomplished? Have I thought of others before myself? Have I tended to my Master's sheep? Have I filled my own cup so that through the overflow I can aid in the advancement of others and the kingdom itself? Sad to say, the answers to that are no, no, and no.
Which brings me back to today's lesson and these words:
"O rest, in utter quietude of soul,
Abandon words, leave prayer and praise awhile;
Let your whole being, hushed in His control,
Learn the full meaning of His voice and smile.
Not as an athlete wrestling for a crown,
Not taking Heaven by violence of will;
But with your Father as a child sit down,
And know the bliss that follows His 'Be Still!!'" excerpt from Mary Rowles Jarvis
Though I have been racked with anxiety in my present condition, I am as yet being told to, "Be still, and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10). Drowning out the voices of the mind and one's surroundings can prove quite the daunting task. And yet that is what I am required to do. I am frustrated with my situation and it causes me to become easily irked with the people whose intentions are to help me out. A darkness looms within me that only God's piercing light can penetrate. So rather than take the hard way out, I think that today I would like to listen to the "still small voice" (1 Kings 19:12) and wait upon the Lord. It is not going to be easy, but it beats the alternative. The alternative would be to do it my way and man's way and end up worse off than when I started.
As for the lesson learned in the story of the brakes, it was God trying to protect my heart from more heartache and suffering. God truly does have our best interest at heart. When you are suffering and nothing seems to be going right, take the opportunity to stop what you are doing and focus on God. It may be a difficult trial, but do your best to quiet your soul and know that God is right there in the midst of your chaos and working things in accordance to His divine timing to not only bring you out of it, but to make you stronger and more dependent on Him.
I want to pray today. I want to ask that God meets me where I am and to meet those that are also suffering. May His Holy Spirit comfort you and guide you on this journey. May His light shine through the stupidity that I know I get myself into from time to time. But I ask that we allow His wisdom to come in and truly set us free. Amen. Be blessed today and know that you are a work of art.
This quote jumped out at me today from Streams in the Dessert. The preceding sentences are just as memorable, "There is a perfect passivity that is not laziness. It is a living stillness born of trust."
I am not a quiet person. I suppose I can be when needed. But to be truly quiet and at rest in the soul, that is a near impossible act. However, it is one that must be practiced in order for change to occur. The old saying, "you will have to drag me kicking and screaming...," in order for me to do such and such, plays its part in my life from time to time. I just wonder if all the fuss is worth it in the end. I am almost sure there is a hard way and an easy way to accomplish things in all manners of life. And while looking for the easy way I almost always tend to lean towards the more difficult of the two. Especially in matters of the heart and spirit.
Take for instance this week's life lesson and how God used it, and is still trying to use it, for His ultimate good. This past Sunday I was going somewhere I probably shouldn't have been going. A place where my heart and spirit would more than likely end up regretting the intended purpose of my rebelliousness. What do you suppose happened not more than a couple miles from my starting point? That's right, you guessed it. My car's brakes go out. So there I am, on the interstate highway in the left lane no less, and my brake lines in the rear of my vehicle decide its the best place to fizzle out. So I work my way over to the right lane to get off at the next exit. I am doing my best to stay at a decent space behind any vehicles in front of me so as not to hit them. I eventually get back to my point of departure and have to take the car to the mechanic's in the morning.
Now what do you think was my first thought as I am trying to get back and then again when I walk in the door? That obviously God Himself did not want me to go to wherever it was that I was going. And He was willing to do whatever it took to get me from achieving my desired deed. For the naysayers out there, I am sure the brakes might have gone out eventually, and it just happened to be a coincidence that they went out on this particular endeavor of mine. You, dear naysayer, would be wrong because you are stupid. Those brakes could have gone out when I was much farther from home. They could have bit the dust when I would be potentially on my way across the country in unfamiliar territory, say downtown Atlanta or Chattanooga. Or worse yet, when someone besides myself was in the car driving.
I want to touch on a few things before going any further. Stupidity is doing something you know you shouldn't where as ignorance is not knowing at all that what you are doing is foolish. And coincidences don't happen in this life. All things happen with and for a purpose. We may not see that purpose at the time, but eventually all will be revealed.
With my car in the shop this week I have been pretty much left to accomplish most of my tasks from my aunt's home. But I still feel that I have not made the best of my time. Yes, I have looked for jobs and yes, I have worked out, but what of eternal value have I accomplished? Have I thought of others before myself? Have I tended to my Master's sheep? Have I filled my own cup so that through the overflow I can aid in the advancement of others and the kingdom itself? Sad to say, the answers to that are no, no, and no.
Which brings me back to today's lesson and these words:
"O rest, in utter quietude of soul,
Abandon words, leave prayer and praise awhile;
Let your whole being, hushed in His control,
Learn the full meaning of His voice and smile.
Not as an athlete wrestling for a crown,
Not taking Heaven by violence of will;
But with your Father as a child sit down,
And know the bliss that follows His 'Be Still!!'" excerpt from Mary Rowles Jarvis
Though I have been racked with anxiety in my present condition, I am as yet being told to, "Be still, and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10). Drowning out the voices of the mind and one's surroundings can prove quite the daunting task. And yet that is what I am required to do. I am frustrated with my situation and it causes me to become easily irked with the people whose intentions are to help me out. A darkness looms within me that only God's piercing light can penetrate. So rather than take the hard way out, I think that today I would like to listen to the "still small voice" (1 Kings 19:12) and wait upon the Lord. It is not going to be easy, but it beats the alternative. The alternative would be to do it my way and man's way and end up worse off than when I started.
As for the lesson learned in the story of the brakes, it was God trying to protect my heart from more heartache and suffering. God truly does have our best interest at heart. When you are suffering and nothing seems to be going right, take the opportunity to stop what you are doing and focus on God. It may be a difficult trial, but do your best to quiet your soul and know that God is right there in the midst of your chaos and working things in accordance to His divine timing to not only bring you out of it, but to make you stronger and more dependent on Him.
I want to pray today. I want to ask that God meets me where I am and to meet those that are also suffering. May His Holy Spirit comfort you and guide you on this journey. May His light shine through the stupidity that I know I get myself into from time to time. But I ask that we allow His wisdom to come in and truly set us free. Amen. Be blessed today and know that you are a work of art.
Friday, April 1, 2011
The Fool and The Victor
In light of today's date, I thought the title seemed appropriate. I find it rather comforting that each day I open up my daily devotional, "Streams in the Dessert," it always applies to whatever I am going through. And today's message was no different. I have been struggling with wondering what I should be doing next. I currently have a goal in mind and am doing my best to work towards it. I tend to have a one-track mind and when I get focused on something, I push other things aside, no matter how important they may be.
I asked God the other day what I should be doing. "What must I 'do,' Lord, what must I 'do!'" His response to my heart, and much to my frustration, was to, "be still and know I am God." Over and over again, be still, be still, be still...
And the devotional today was more of the same. The streams for today spoke of a ship in a storm. And here is an excerpt:
"Sometimes, like Paul, you cannot see the sun or the stars to help you navigate when the storm is bearing down on you. This is when you can do only one thing, for there is only one way. Reason cannot help you, past experiences will shed no light, and even prayer will bring no consolation. Only one course remains: you must put your soul in one position and keep it there.
You must anchor yourself steadfastly upon the Lord. And then, come what may-whether wind, waves, rough seas, thunder, lightning, jagged rocks, or roaring breakers-you must lash yourself to the helm, firmly holding your confidence in God's faithfulness, His covenant promises, and His everlasting love in Christ Jesus." Richard Fuller
I am struggling right now and I know there are others who are in the same situation, or maybe even worse. I try to find reason during these times and there aren't any. Like the passage said, I try to rely on past experiences but come up short. I want to be somewhere else, doing what it is I am supposed to be doing. But here's the kicker, I am where I am supposed to be right now, here in this moment. Am I doing all that I can? Some people would beg to differ, but the truth of the matter is the answers are all the same. "Be still." But I hate being still. "Wait on the Lord." But I hate waiting.
By not waiting, I play the Fool. Pushing and pushing, complaining and dealing with frustration. Constantly moving and beating my head up against the wall, when really what I should be "doing" is waiting with faithful and hopeful expectation that God will indeed come through for me. Faith is believing in the fulfillment of God's promises, no matter how long it may seem to take. Faith is knowing that just because I don't see God or feel God, He is still right next to me orchestrating His grand scheme in my favor, but ultimately in His favor.
Faith is also this, and I truly believe this. I am able to wake up everyday and take in air. The air I breathe, the air you breathe-it is literally, figuratively, metaphorically, but above all, realistically- the Breath of God. There is only ONE reason I or anyone else is alive today. That is this, God has a purpose for your life. He has a purpose for my life. I can choose to believe that there is no God, that the Bible is a useless book of outdated rules and lies, and go on living life in what I would eventually create as my own personal Hell. Which that is a facet of Hell I might add, separation from God. Or, I can stand on the promises that the Bible speaks of. I can reflect on the "hell" that God has brought me out of, and I can cling to the truth that is reality and undisputed. God is real, He sent His Son to die on a cross for my sins. He came to change me from a Fool to a Victor. And all that He asks, so insignificant if I think about it, is to flipping WAIT and BE STILL.
One of the many blessings that God has granted me is the ability to choose. And recently I have chosen to not wait and not still my heart. The fruit/consequence of that choice is frustration and doubt. But what if I decide to wait? Will God come through for me? That's where faith comes in. Give the Lord an inch and He takes you on the journey of a lifetime.
I have come a long way in my journey. I have met some really wonderful people. I have been in worse situations than the one I am currently in. But in spite of all the hardships and victories, God has been the pillar that has kept me supported through it all. The dark times of my soul where I have lashed out at Him, cursed at Him, berated Him for not seemingly coming through for me, He took it all in. Why, because He is big enough to handle it. So is it too much to ask for me to wait on Him and be still when He has already done so much for me?
I would say that it is time to stop playing the Fool and start being the Victor.
I asked God the other day what I should be doing. "What must I 'do,' Lord, what must I 'do!'" His response to my heart, and much to my frustration, was to, "be still and know I am God." Over and over again, be still, be still, be still...
And the devotional today was more of the same. The streams for today spoke of a ship in a storm. And here is an excerpt:
"Sometimes, like Paul, you cannot see the sun or the stars to help you navigate when the storm is bearing down on you. This is when you can do only one thing, for there is only one way. Reason cannot help you, past experiences will shed no light, and even prayer will bring no consolation. Only one course remains: you must put your soul in one position and keep it there.
You must anchor yourself steadfastly upon the Lord. And then, come what may-whether wind, waves, rough seas, thunder, lightning, jagged rocks, or roaring breakers-you must lash yourself to the helm, firmly holding your confidence in God's faithfulness, His covenant promises, and His everlasting love in Christ Jesus." Richard Fuller
I am struggling right now and I know there are others who are in the same situation, or maybe even worse. I try to find reason during these times and there aren't any. Like the passage said, I try to rely on past experiences but come up short. I want to be somewhere else, doing what it is I am supposed to be doing. But here's the kicker, I am where I am supposed to be right now, here in this moment. Am I doing all that I can? Some people would beg to differ, but the truth of the matter is the answers are all the same. "Be still." But I hate being still. "Wait on the Lord." But I hate waiting.
By not waiting, I play the Fool. Pushing and pushing, complaining and dealing with frustration. Constantly moving and beating my head up against the wall, when really what I should be "doing" is waiting with faithful and hopeful expectation that God will indeed come through for me. Faith is believing in the fulfillment of God's promises, no matter how long it may seem to take. Faith is knowing that just because I don't see God or feel God, He is still right next to me orchestrating His grand scheme in my favor, but ultimately in His favor.
Faith is also this, and I truly believe this. I am able to wake up everyday and take in air. The air I breathe, the air you breathe-it is literally, figuratively, metaphorically, but above all, realistically- the Breath of God. There is only ONE reason I or anyone else is alive today. That is this, God has a purpose for your life. He has a purpose for my life. I can choose to believe that there is no God, that the Bible is a useless book of outdated rules and lies, and go on living life in what I would eventually create as my own personal Hell. Which that is a facet of Hell I might add, separation from God. Or, I can stand on the promises that the Bible speaks of. I can reflect on the "hell" that God has brought me out of, and I can cling to the truth that is reality and undisputed. God is real, He sent His Son to die on a cross for my sins. He came to change me from a Fool to a Victor. And all that He asks, so insignificant if I think about it, is to flipping WAIT and BE STILL.
One of the many blessings that God has granted me is the ability to choose. And recently I have chosen to not wait and not still my heart. The fruit/consequence of that choice is frustration and doubt. But what if I decide to wait? Will God come through for me? That's where faith comes in. Give the Lord an inch and He takes you on the journey of a lifetime.
I have come a long way in my journey. I have met some really wonderful people. I have been in worse situations than the one I am currently in. But in spite of all the hardships and victories, God has been the pillar that has kept me supported through it all. The dark times of my soul where I have lashed out at Him, cursed at Him, berated Him for not seemingly coming through for me, He took it all in. Why, because He is big enough to handle it. So is it too much to ask for me to wait on Him and be still when He has already done so much for me?
I would say that it is time to stop playing the Fool and start being the Victor.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)